美国留学文书，如何写才能脱颖而出（四）？-新东方前途出国

美国留学文书，如何写才能脱颖而出（四）？

美国留学申请，考试成绩仅仅是选择入读学生的硬性标准之一，招生官还会看申请者的软性背景，如学习能力、知识技能、活动经历、科研背景等。而这些信息通常都会在留学申请文书中体现。  

文书是软性背景的重中之重，体现性格能力和个人经历。新颖的取材、精心设计的开头、文章的画面感、别出心裁的文体和感人的情节都是我们可以展现的亮点。有一位同学的主文书环境描写及其出彩，最终录取到斯坦福大学，我们来看下下面的段落。  

The train eventually stopped ascending through the Matterhorn Railway and I started my well-planned hiking journey. The trip ahead of me began to seem like gum chewed by others as I looked through the crowd following the signposts. Tired of following tour groups, I threw away the travel guide and trekked up an offbeat trail that diverged from the main path. Dawn basked over the small town of Zermatt as witnessed the grassy road gradually change into gravel under my feet. (在马特洪峰铁路上火车最终停止了上行，我开始精心计划的徒步旅行。透过循着路标前行的人群时，前面的旅程就像其他人嚼过的口香糖一样无趣。我厌倦跟随旅行团走，就把旅行指南丢在一边，踏上了一条偏离主干道的独特小径。黎明照耀着泽曼特小镇，我脚下的绿草地逐渐变成了碎石。)  

可以明显看出，这段环境描写下了很大功夫，描绘了自己的独立主见，毫不从众，为下文展开描绘自己在学校表演Hip-hop的独特经历做了铺垫。这段出游经历也十分贴题，以细节描写取胜。之后下面的第二段第三段，作者转而描绘了自己的核心经历。并且，作者重点突出当时舞台上的情景和观众的反应。跟不上曲子、突如其来的大雨，让文章的冲突加剧，直达高潮。  

That blissful image ran through my head a year later at a school assembly as the MC announced me walking on stage, "Let s welcome the rap god of our school! 1 Grinding the mint in my mouth backstage, I reluctantly remembered reciting poetry in front of classmates and forgetting the lines. I saw the audience display their anticipation with cheers and raising their phones. The show began with the spotlight on me. I started my lines, but soon realized the sound track was a beat too slow and I couldn't catchup with it. My mouth froze as the music continued without me. （一年后，在学校展演上，主持人宣布我走上台，“欢迎我们学校的说唱之神！”在后台嘴里嚼着薄荷糖，我不情愿地想起了在同学前背诗忘词的情景。我看到观众们欢呼，举起手机，他们的期待之情溢于言表。聚光灯照向我，节目开始。我开始演唱，但很快就意识到，我太慢了跟不上原声。我的嘴巴不禁僵住了，音乐还在继续，我却没有跟上。）  

It suddenly began raining without warning. I picked up my bag and rushed to the nearest hut. Barely making out the Matterhorn through the haze, I was lost in thought. The fear of failure overwhelmed me. As stood alone staring at the crowd, I pictured the student government advisor hesitating at my proposed "Music Festival" for the New Year Party. "Hip-hop is not a proper music form, and it is unhealthy for teenagers," he declared. I disagreed, since fundamentally believed Thom Yorke’s statement, "music that repeats what you know only deadens our minds and our imagination to see beyond the hell we find ourselves in.” An intangible force pushed me to expose the true message behind hip-hop. Raising funds to purchase professional lighting and sound facilities promoted our school's first music festival in the outdated and auditorium as an after party event. (没有任何预兆突然下起雨来。我拿起包，冲到最近的小屋。我在朦胧中几乎看不清马特洪峰，陷入了沉思。失败的恐惧压倒了我。我独自站在那里，凝视着人群，脑海中浮现出学生会顾问在我提议的新年晚会“音乐节”犹豫不决的画面。他宣称:“Hip-hop不是一种合适的音乐形式，对青少年不健康。”我不同意，因为我彻彻底底相信汤姆·约克的说法，“重复你知道的东西的音乐只会让我们的思想和想象力变得麻木，看不到我们身处地狱。”一种无形的力量促使我宣扬嘻哈背后的真实信息。筹集资金购买专业的灯光和音响设备，推动了我校第一次在老旧礼堂举办的晚会后音乐节。)  

之后，作者坚持己见，跟着直觉一首接一首的唱下去。他用无比的热情、投入感染了观众，也激励了其他人坚持自我、探索不熟悉的领域、走大众不常走的路，发挥自己的潜能。  

整篇文章中，作者的首句往往采用了细致入微的环境描写，渲染了整篇文章的氛围，又在侧面突出文章主题。例如：The thick mist blot out my trail, but I spotted a cluster of bright yellow dandelions hidden beneath a wooden staircase. (浓雾遮住了我走过的路，但我发现一簇亮黄色的蒲公英藏在木楼梯下面。) 文章的结尾，也描绘了环境，突出了“雨过天晴”，作者看到Hip-hop终获认可。The rain stopped as I finally retraced my steps to return. This time, I saw many muddy footprints different from mine. (当我终于时，雨停了。这一次，我看到了许多泥脚印，和我脚印完全不同。)  

这篇主文书的环境描写非常出色，从“下雨——浓雾——雨过天晴”的变化感受到了作者从一开始的担心害怕，转为倔强坚持，最后Hip-hop演出成功的惊喜欣慰。整体上烘托了文章主题，突出了自己过程中的成长转变。

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