a. What the change was
观点:早起,上班不迟到
拓展:我是一个上班族,每天需要8:30到公司,但是上班高峰期经常堵车,经常迟到。
I felt delighted to form some good habits of getting up early in the morning and being punctuare in the workplace. I am an office worker, which means I need to arrive at my company before half past eight,but because of traffic jams in the morning rush hour,I was always late.
点评:
问题1:不扣题第一句话不扣题,不出现关键词
小标题问的是what the change was,一定要提到的就是你的改变,而不是你有一个早起的习惯,你喜欢在工作中早到。这就是不扣题。
考官马上就能知道你是从当季的其他话题,比如说描述一个早起的经历(describe an occasion you got up extramely early)中套用过来的。
问题2:过分利用连接表达,衔接生硬
which means连接了前后两部分内容,但非常牵强,office worker就要早到?这很容易被考官认为是一个提前准备好的套句,而并不是在考场上顺着思路说下去的内容。
b. When it happened
观点:是今年6月份
拓展:公司来了一个新员工,每天都早到,而且工作认真。
Something changed because of a newly recruited colleague.She was hired this June and could work hard.To my suprise,she was never late for work and always showed her passion to her jobs.
c. How it happened
观点:我向她请教,她跟我说,她每天都会有早起的习惯,并且会在早高峰之前就出门
拓展:她不会选择自己开车,因为如果堵车了就会进退两难
Out of curiosity, I consulted her,and she told me that it was her habit of getting up early in the morning that allowed her to have a better work performance the whole day.She chose to avoid the peak hour and try to take public transport rather than drive to the workplace.
点评:
问题3:用词不恰当,过分正式,不自然
out of curiosity太模板化,I consulted her在这里用的不自然。Consult表示向专家,长辈请教,和同事谈话一般用talk to her就可以了。
问题4:内容跳跃,突然出现一些背好的表达
it was her habit of getting up early in the morning that allowed her to have a better work performance the whole day.
这句话意思是说,早起让她有了一个更好的工作表现,问题是早起只能早到,和工作表现没关系,考官会认为a better work performance 是一个提前准备好的词伙,或者是从其他准备好的故事里套过来的。这样的“思维跳跃”会让考官眉头一皱,觉得你的回答不够连贯。正常的思路是,她能够早睡早起,有更多的精力去工作,所以让她的工作表现更好。
d. And explain why it was a positive change
观点:我开始转变自己对待生活的态度,开始健康的生活方式
解释:以前总是抱怨交通问题让我迟到,被扣工资
拓展:现在能够适应环境,能够更好的利用早上的时间,乘坐地铁更加省钱,因为错开了高峰期,地铁不是那么拥挤,有时间在地铁上看一下新闻,听半小时英语
I started to change my own attitudes toward my work and life, and also tend to lead a healthy lifestyle.I used to complain other factors like transport congestion,which may result in lateness and salary deduction.But now,I could adapt to working environments and take advantage of my commuting time in the subway,where I could read some newspapers and listen to English radios.Actually, the early metro was not packed with people and I also saved money on fuel.
点评:
问题5:使用词伙的时候,没有解释,前后不匹配
I started to change my own attitudes toward my work and life,and also tend to lead a healthy lifestyle.
这句话里面突然提到了change one`s attitude towards life前面没有提到,也没有解释,因为这件事情,人生观都改变了,考官怎么听都觉得很奇怪。
词伙lead a heathy lifestyle很多人都用,它不仅仅指早起,还有饮食,运动,所以用在这里不恰当。
问题6:时态错误,导致事情描述的时间段不合理
the early metro was not packed with people and I also saved money on fuel之前说我有了一个积极的改变,那么现在描述的就是改变后的状态,是现在发生的事情,应该用现在时。这个地方的早班地铁没有人挤,我也存钱这些事应该用一般时态而不是用过去时。