【沈阳留学】2022年哈佛大学新生文书（七）-新东方前途出国

七、Charles' Essay

Successful Harvard Essay

James was not fitting in with everyone else. During lunch, he sat alone, playing with his own toys. During group activities, the other campers always complained when paired with him. What was wrong? As camp counselor, I quietly observed his behavior—nothing out of the ordinary. I just couldn’t fathom why the other campers treated him like a pariah.

After three days of ostracism, James broke down during a game of soccer. Tears streaming down his cheeks, he slumped off the field, head in his hands. I jogged toward him, my forehead creased with concern. Some campers loudly remarked, “Why is that creep crying?” Furious indignation leaped into my heart. They were the ones who “accidentally” bumped into him and called him “James the Freak.” It was their cruelty that caused his meltdown, and now they were mocking him for it. I sharply told them to keep their thoughts to themselves. I squatted beside James and asked him what was wrong. Grunting, he turned his back to me. I had to stop his tears, and I had to make him feel comfortable. So for the next hour, I talked about everything a seven-year-old boy might find interesting, from sports to Transformers.

“I have a question,” I asked as James began to warm to me. I took a deep breath and dove right into the problem. “Why do the other campers exclude you?” Hesitantly, he took off his shoes and socks, and pointed at his left foot. One, two, three … four. He had four toes. We had gone swimming two days before: All the campers must have noticed. I remembered my childhood, when even the smallest abnormality—a bad haircut, a missing tooth—could cause others, including myself, to shrink away. I finally understood.

But what could I do to help? I scoured my mind for the words to settle his demons. But nothing came to me. Impulsively, I hugged him—a gesture of intimacy we camp leaders were encouraged not to initiate, and an act I later discovered no friend had ever offered James before. Then, I put my hand on his shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes. I assured him that external features didn’t matter, and that as long as he was friendly, people would eventually come around. I listed successful individuals who had not been hindered by their abnormalities. And finally, I told him he would always be my favorite camper, regardless of whether he had two, five, or a hundred toes.

On the last day of camp, I was jubilant—James was starting to fit in. Although the teasing had not completely disappeared, James was speaking up and making friends. And when, as we were saying our good-byes, James gave me one last hug and proclaimed that I was his “bestest friend in the whole wide world,” my heart swelled up. From my campers, I learned that working with children is simply awesome. And from James, I learned that a little love truly goes a long way.

专家点评

Charles（Charles Wong）讲述了看到某人被排除在外的常见经历，并解释了他如何与之抗争。在他作为营地辅导员的个人描述中，Charles不仅表达了他对他人的深切关心，而且还展示了他如何解决一般问题的思维过程。他不只是宣布这些个人特征，而是通过个人材料展示它们。有针对性地决定“展示”而不是“讲述”是一种优秀的写作策略。

首先，Charles从他对情况的描述开始。他的语气随意而直接。他结合了重要的细节，但他的写作并不是多余的。他的文章简洁易懂。虽然这种方法似乎不够成熟，但它反映了查理的原始、真实的想法。读者能感受到他的关心；Charles带领我们度过了他真正的困境。此外，他描述的善举——鼓舞人心的谈话、拥抱——让我们深入了解了他的性格。包含这些细节的决定将Charles描绘成一个善良而聪明的个性，在任何大学校园里都是有价值的。

此外，Charles不仅描述了他如何解决这个特殊问题的，而且将其扩展到日常生活中。他从看似平凡的经历中领悟了意义，并解释了它如何改变了他的整个心态。这种有意识地成长的能力表明Charles有从所有生活中学习的动力，他不仅仅是教室里的学生。