【沈阳留学】2022年哈佛大学新生文书（六）-新东方前途出国

六、Lisa's Essay

Successful Harvard Essay: Playing it Dangerous

In hazy stillness, a sudden flurry of colored skirts, whispers of “Merde!” Sternly, my fingers smooth back my hair, although they know no loose strands will be found. My skin absorbs heat from stage lights above—if only that heat would seep into my brain, denature some proteins, and deactivate the neurons stressing me out. A warm hand, accompanied by an even warmer smile, interrupts my frenzied solitude. I glance up. My lovely teacher nods, coaxing my frozen lips into a thawed smile. A complex figure, filled in with doubt, yet finished with shades of confidence: My body takes its place and waits.

One, two, three, four; two, two, three, four. On stage, the lights and music wash over me. Never having had a true ballet solo before, my lungs are one breath away from hyperventilating. Trying to achieve a Zen-like state, I imagine a field of daisies, yet my palms continue sweating disobediently. It’s not that I’ve never been on stage alone before; I’ve had plenty of piano recitals and competitions. Yet, while both performances consume my mind and soul, ballet demands complete commitment of my body.

Gently slide into arabesque and lean downward; try not to fall flat on face—Mom’s videotaping. In terms of mentality, I would hardly be described as an introvert; yet, a fear of failure has still kept me from taking risks. Maybe I was scared of leaping too high, falling too far, and hitting the hard floor. As I moved up in the cutthroat world of dance, this fear only increased; the pressure of greater expectations and the specter of greater embarrassment had held me contained. Now, every single eyeball is on me.

Lean extra in this pirouette; it’s more aesthetic. But is it always better to be safe than sorry? Glancing toward the wings, I see my teacher’s wild gesticulations: Stretch your arms out, she seems to mime, More! A genuine smile replaces one of forced enthusiasm; alone on the stage, this is my chance to shine. I breathe in the movements, forget each individual step. More than just imagining, but finally experiencing the jubilation of the music, I allow my splits to stretch across the stage and my steps to extend longer and longer, until I’m no longer safe and my heart is racing. Exhilarated and scared in the best way, I throw myself into my jumps. I no longer need to imagine scenes to get in the mood; the emotions are twirling and leaping within me.

Reaching, stretching, grabbing, flinging ... My fear no longer shields me. I find my old passion for ballet, and remember the grace and poise that can nevertheless convey every color of emotion. Playing it safe will leave me part of the backdrop; only by taking risks can I step into the limelight. Maybe I’ll fall, but the rush is worth it. I’ll captain an all-male science bowl team, run a marathon, audition for a musical, and embrace the physical and intellectual elation of taking risks.

专家点评

Lisa通过她富有创意的描述性文字成功地激发了读者的真实情感，从而创作了一篇获奖论文，传达了生动的意象、发自内心的感受和有益的内省。

我立刻把Lisa的寓言比作一只被关在封闭的笼子里的鸟，笼子象征着我们在生活中所面对的一切，我们的恐惧。Lisa的第一次芭蕾舞独奏精彩地表现为她的“啊哈！在那一刻，她抛开恐惧（打开笼子），并通过认真的自我反省，选择拥抱未来的风险（勇往直前）。

在第1-3段中，Lisa通过她美丽、丰富的语言和形象的描述瞬间吸引了我们，她将自己描绘成因压力、对失败和家庭/公众舆论的恐惧而动弹不得。我感同身受，想了解更多！她那温暖的幽默闪耀着完美的光芒：她想去激活她的大脑神经元，并提醒自己不要摔倒，以免被她的母亲/家人责骂 - 做得很好！Lisa用她的“可爱的老师”作为她的基础、舒适区和支持者，这是许多人可以分享的主题。她的焦虑是相对的，她用这一点来解释她厌恶风险的本性（转自完美留学）。

在第 4-5 段中，Lisa的独奏被生动地描述为她跳舞并实现转变的决定性时刻——恐惧变成了激情和兴奋。她在瞬间充满诗意，微笑，摆脱恐惧，像一杯温暖的牛奶一样拥抱风险。人们提出了一个尖锐的问题，“但安全总比后悔好吗？” 通过反省，Lisa表达了她追求风险的愿望，风险将使她个人进步。承认她可能并不总是成功，“匆忙是值得的”。Lisa最后列举了她将在学校里追求的领导角色和活动的具体例子——招生官员对那些渴望走出自己的舒适区，并在校园里开始新的冒险/挑战的学生表示赞同。

为了让这篇文章更强大，这篇文章以独特的叙事形式写得非常出色，营造了一种充满活力、有趣、深刻和相关的体验。Lisa的个人品质贯穿整篇文章：创造力、决心、克服障碍、自我反省、在风险中成长，当然还有激情！我们在动力方面留下了光辉的一课，希望摆脱这种负面情绪，继续前进并取得更大的成就——“playing it dangerous”。